5 Memorable Excuses for Failing a Drug Test

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“Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.” –Don Wilder

For many employers, one of the most common steps in the process of hiring a candidate is conducting a drug screening. HireRight’s 2015 Annual Employment Screening Benchmarking Report states that two-thirds of companies that responded to our survey perform drug screening, the most common sample of choice being urine tests.

Drug tests make sense. You likely don’t want an employee who either uses illegal or illicit drugs in the workplace, or attempts to do their job while impaired. It’s illegal. Not only could it subject you to a negligent hiring claim, but let’s face it, it’s dangerous—to themselves and to your other employees.

Therefore, for many responsible employers, drug screening is a routine part of the vetting process for candidates for hire. Many employers in certain industries also perform unannounced drug tests on current employees as permitted by law.

And the employees that fail? Do you ever wonder what excuses they come up with?

Five of our most memorable excuses respondents reported that their employees came up with after failing their drug test, as taken from our survey.

Drum roll, please:

5. “It was my family reunion so I thought it was OK to smoke some crack.”

4. “A driver’s wife did not want him to drive so she put hallucinogenic mushrooms in his spaghetti to keep him from leaving her so much.”

3. “If they would have taken hair from my head instead of my leg, I would have passed because the hair on my head grows fast.”

2. “But I stopped drinking 3 hours ago!”

And the grand prize along with a trip back to the unemployment office goes to:

1. “Can I have a copy of my drug test results? I need this to send it to the internet company that sold me a kit to pass a drug test. It was money back guarantee, I want my money back.”

People, it’s as simple as this: if you take illegal or illicit drugs or abuse medication not prescribed to you, more likely than not, you’ll fail your drug test.

And since the Grateful Dead have stopped touring and no longer require your services as a roadie, attempting to come up with an amusing albeit creative excuse for failing a drug test may make your chance to land your dream job go up in smoke.

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Lewis Lustman

Lewis Lustman is a content marketer who enjoys developing materials that engage, inform, challenge, and hopefully entertain my audience. Lewis is a former journalist for Los Angeles Magazine and the Los Angeles Times, and has worked for a number of leading advertising, marketing, technology, and PR firms over the years. Interested in a topic that he hasn't yet tackled? Drop him a line in the comments section!

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